I have been overweight my entire life and have never lavished in the luxury of denial. When you grow up fat you have no choice but to see yourself for what you are. Kids are terribly cruel and Adults are no better. As a child, I was taunted with the names and the fat jokes. Sadly, I became accustomed to them. In adulthood, society as a whole claims to be more kindhearted and more mature. Well, to that I simply reply HA!!!
Working with the public for 20 years has shown me quite the contrary. Sure, adults can be more reserved than that of the average adolescent, but deny that same adult something they desire or feel entitled to and the claws come out. I once had a customer ask me if I knew how to do my job after he was told that I could not honor his request. The man was in his late 40's and, from his own boast, I learned that he was a doctor. When I replied that I did in fact know how to do my job, his reply to me was as follows:
I'm glad to see you know how to do something other than eat.Very mature response, wouldn't you say?
My life history aside, it took me 40 years of "acceptance" of my body to realize I did not have to accept it at all. In other words, I allowed myself to lie to myself. I smiled and laughed with the jokes. I took the rude comments but kept my head up. It is what it is...thats basically what I would tell myself. I was so completely wrong. My smile, although I have happiness in my life, was never complete. I am married for 13 years and I have a daughter I love with all my heart. I have family I love and friends that I cherish, but I've lived with a lie all my life. I allowed myself to be complacent in my obesity and in that complacency, the situation grew out of control. In fact, looking back, I can acknowledge that I was slowly and surely killing myself day by day.
If you have read any earlier blogs, you know that in March of 2011, I had Lap Band surgery. Best dam decision I have ever made. But even that decision did not come easy to me. I toyed with it for over 2 years before finally finding the courage...no scratch that...the intelligence to go through with it. What finally got me headed in the right direction? Well, I'll tell you that. A little embarrasing story never hurt anyone right? It was a rollercoaster.
I know what you may be thinking. How did a rollercoaster convince me to finally and agressively take control of a lifetime problem? The answer to that is easy. My ass was too fat to fit on one. Ouch, thats right. I said it. On a family vacation to Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, I finally saw the light.
After waiting in line for nearly 45 minutes with my daughter for a rollercoaster, we reached the front of the line with eager anticipation. Our car pulled up and the gates opened for us to take our seats. What happened next probably took place in maybe a minute tops, but to me, it felt like an eternity. I sat down in my seat and as instructed, I pulled down on the lap bar to click it into place. Well guess what folks...there was no click. I could not get the bar down over my gut. That being embarrasing enough, I could have handled it if it stopped right there. BUT as fate would have it, that was not all. The ever so helpful teenage ride attendant peered over me to provide assistance. He pushed down on the bar to no avail. He then proceeded to stand on the ride itself and tried to push again, with a crowded line of onlookers waiting for our car to leave and theirs to arrive. God bless my eager little ride operator, for he then attempted to STAND on the bar and still could not get that dam thing to click. In the end, I had to get off the ride for obvious safety reasons. Again, I laughed it off...on the outside. But I was never more humiliated in my life. I stood by the exit gate as the ride left with my daughter still on it and waited for her return. For the rest of that vacation and for several more, I did not attempt to go on any rides. I sent her to wait on the line and I waited patiently at the exit for her to get off.
That is a horrible, horrific story....but truth be told, I'm glad it happened. It was the final push that got me to have bariatric surgery. I was not willing to accept my body anymore. I was done with the lies. I was done with thinking any excuse was more important than I was.
I've said this before and I will say it again. Lap Band surgery is not a solution. It is a tool towards the solution. A very valuable tool but as with most things, it took me some time to realize that I needed to work with the tool. It was not going to do the work for me.
A year post surgery, I was a disappointing 50lbs lighter. Not that a loss of 50 lbs isn't an amazing accomplishment. It's just that if I had been doing things for myself rather than expecting the band to do them for me, I would have lost a great deal more. I realize now. I've joined a gym and have found myself a very unique and highly inspiring support system and my loss has gone from 50lbs to 67lbs in just 2 months.
My unique support system consists of a terrific group of individuals on Twitter that stems from my online motivational coach... Sean Patrick Flanery. A celebrity... a business man...an inspiration ....and in my eyes, a friend. He takes the time to help me and others like myself, to reach farther than we would have done on our own. In my case, he discussed my weight loss goals when we met and has since, with my consent, tweeted our conversation to thousands. This tweet included my weight of 260lbs, my expected per month weight loss goal...and my goal date to reach 145lbs. All very personal information. In doing this, he has set me up NOT to fail. He is not paid for this...he doesn't need to be. He does this for no other reason than he cares about his fans. He is very direct in his manner and for many like myself, the direct blatant, 'get kicked off a rollercoaster-isms' is the only thing that makes us open our eyes. Lately, he has even taken abuse for his directness, from those that do not view (or are not ready to view - in my opinion) the situation in the same light. To me that is somewhat sad. Why attack a man for caring about you and your health. Even if you disagree with him...why attack him for caring? Again in my opinion, I think the attacks are because it is very uncomfortable when faced with the truth. But in the end, the truth is what sets us free. As embarrassing as that day on the roller coaster was...and as mortified as I was when I first saw my name tweeted with 260lbs next to it for thousands to see. I can honestly say now I am loving the ride, because I now realize what all of those horrific moments really are. They are the future moments of the past that I will never EVER have to repeat again.
Oh and by the way...The family took a vacation to Disney World last November. I got on every dam rollercoaster they have and LOVED every second of it!!!
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